Reader: My wife hates me masturbating

Relationships

“I’m in my early 30’s and been married for 5 years. We have two great kids together. I know I got married too early and I wish things were different. I do love my wife, but even though I thought things would be different for us I now wish I’d listened to what people were telling me when they warned that it was too soon.

I didn’t think we would ever be one of those couples who gave up on sex, but within two years of marriage I was sleeping in a separate room and we weren’t touching each other for months at a time. Right now it’s been more than 4 months since we last had sex.

I’m only in my 30’s, I would expect this kind of Monastic sex life in marriage maybe when I’m in my 60’s, but this is way too early.

As a result, I masturbate. I probably masturbate 3 or 4 times a week.

I have a couple of masturbators I like to use and I keep them in the shed so she doesn’t have to know about it, but she still complains. She makes snide an bitchy comments about my masturbation occasionally too, and once I overheard her having a conversation in the kitchen with a friend of hers and she was saying I “have a problem” with it.

I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do. I wish our marriage was back to what it was at the beginning. I do love her very much but she doesn’t seem to understand that I have sexual needs. If she doesn’t like me masturbating does she want me to go and find someone to cheat on her with?”


I think you need to sit down with your wife one evening and have a proper discussion about this.

Marriage is a two-way street and without communication these problems will fester and grow until you resent each other.

You need to explain what you expected from your marriage and listen to her when she explains what she expects too. If you cannot meet in the middle then I would consider separating for a period to see if things change. I would recommend that the best way to do this is to set a period of time to be apart, set a date for coming back together, and stick to that. Far too many couples spend far too much time together and abandon their individual friends and social lives, this can compound the issue and, frankly, you can become sick of each other and grow to resent the things you feel they are stopping you from doing.

It’s also no secret that many women lose interest in sex far earlier than men, but I would say that early 30’s (assuming she is about the same age as you) is far too early. Perhaps it’s stress related, perhaps you need to start helping with the kids more, perhaps you can hire someone to look after the kids one night a week and reconnect with each other? There are many reasons why she might have lost interest in sex, it’s important to find out what those reasons might be and see if they can be worked on.

As for her discussing you with her friends, I would say that this is just simply disrespectful. Make your position clear on that when you get the chance and let her know that this is unacceptable. How would she feel if you were telling your friends about her sexual activities?

As for masturbation, you most certainly don’t have a problem. It seems a lot of women seem to have a very hypocritical opinion of mens sexual enjoyment and that masturbation is something we’re supposed to be ashamed of while they enjoy themselves with pride and gusto. I do feel this is perhaps a relic from the feminist movement of the 60’s, the notion that women masturbating is “empowerment” while men masturbating is “deviant”.

The only problem I can see with your masturbation enjoyment is that you have banished yourself from the comfort of your own home like a shamed animal. This is YOUR DAMN HOME! Why the hell should you be scurrying away and hiding in the shadows just to enjoy something that is entirely natural? This is supposed to be a fun and pleasurable experience and you’re behaving as though you’re a naughty child being scolded and sent to the corner.

Get your masturbators out of the shed, take them in the house, enjoy them at your leisure and if she doesn’t like it you should hold the door open for her as she leaves.

I will almost guarantee that she has at least one massager or dildo in the bedroom, right? Again, the hypocrisy is common.

I hope that this has helped you in some way, you need to communicate problems in a marriage and see if they can be rectified. Unfortunately, when it comes to sex, if a problem cannot be fixed moving on is the preferable option. You only have one life, you should not waste a day of it being unhappy with a situation when that situation can be changed.